Photo by yerling villalobos on Unsplash

Question:

My mother’s husband is 82 years old and has dementia. Last month, he went out to a car dealership, purchased a car, and drove it away. He was missing for 3 days and ultimately was found about 3 hours from home, and was taken to a nearby hospital, where he has been ever since (over a month). This man is a miserable human being. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. He has no family or friends, outside of my mother, and she is declining rapidly in her memory.

The hospital has been trying to find a long-term care facility to send him to, but has not found any yet though they have reached out to over 200 facilities. I think the biggest obstacle is his behavior. They have had to sedate him almost every day, along with having a staff member sit with him daily. Now, the hospital told me yesterday that they are going to let my stepfather sign himself out of the hospital on Thursday, because legally they cannot hold him anymore. I feel this is a TERRIBLE and negligent decision. He cannot care for himself, and cannot move back to my mother’s house. He is a wanderer, and he will find a way to get another car, or just walk out and go missing again. The hospital determined that he had NO capacity, as well as dementia, yet they are about to tell him he can leave. What can I do?

Response:

Wow! While there are a lot of gaps in our so-called “system” of elder care, your situation is worse than most. I think the main thing for you to understand is that you have no legal and it sounds like no moral responsibility regarding your stepfather. What will happen will happen. But if you want to do anything, you might report the situation to the local protective services agency, the one near where the hospital is located. They may or may not get involved, but it would be up to them and the hospital.

More important is the question of what you can do to protect your mother and her finances. It sounds like the bigger problem than your stepfather’s welfare is the possibility that he will return home. You may want to seek a protective order barring him from the house.

You and your mother will also want to separate her finances from that of her husband and probably update her estate plan as soon as possible while she still has capacity. This should include a new durable power of attorney and health care proxy appointing you or another family member so that your stepfather doesn’t try to take charge if your mother’s cognitive abilities continue to decline. I’m not sure what else to suggest here without knowing your mother’s finances and how they may be entwined with those of your stepfather, but it might make sense to consider divorce as well if your mother is willing.

In any case, your mother should consult with an estate planning or elder law attorney to update her estate planning documents (or put them in place if she doesn’t have them already).

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